Pregnant, and then not, all on the same day…

| 18 Comments

Yesterday evening was spent at the ER.

For those that have experienced a miscarriage, you will know that the emotions involved are like a roller-coaster ride.

I didn’t even know I was pregnant, so I think that helped a little.  I was a couple days late for my period; but didn’t think anything of it because my cycle has been irregular due to breastfeeding.  Then I started bleeding and just thought it was menstruation.  No big deal.  Then the bleeding got heavier and lasted more days than normal. 

I just knew something was up.  I was also feeling a little nauseous so I called the nurse’s line through my insurance.  I didn’t want to go to the doctor if I didn’t have to.

The nurse asked me a bunch of questions and, of course, if there was any chance I was pregnant.  We were using protection; however, there’s always a chance when you are married and sexually active.  The nurse directed me to see someone that day. 

I was still a little skeptical – I didn’t want to go anywhere if I didn’t have to.  My husband was home at this point; so he went to get a pregnancy test.  I was scared to take it because I had a gut feeling that I was pregnant, but having a miscarriage.  The “+” sign was faint, but appeared right away.  I burst into tears.

How could I be pregnant and not know?  How could I be having a miscarriage?  Did I do something to make this happen?  Tons of questions and feelings.

I was sad and relieved.  Relieved that I figured out what was wrong with me, and relieved to not be pregnant.  Then I felt guilty about feeling that way.  We have been talking about having another baby, but planned on waiting a little longer.  But obviously we weren’t being careful and would love to have another baby whenever.  I don’t like being pregnant and thought I would have more time to prepare.  That’s how life works though – like the saying – When I plan, God laughs.

My husband strongly encouraged me to go to urgent care like the expert recommended on the phone.  Urgent care sent us to the ER.  Long story short – we were there about 4 hours; they ran some tests; checked me out; but there was nothing they could do. 

The doctor said I probably already had the miscarriage and my hcg hormone levels are very low.  She said miscarriages in early pregnancy (less than 6-8 weeks) are very common and act just like a regular period.  Most people don’t know.  And that it was nothing I did.  I felt better.  But still annoyed that I went to the ER.

I wish I hadn’t gone.  It made the experience worse.  They didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know.  My husband is a very positive person and always looks on the bright side – so he was like – better safe than sorry.  It’s hard for me to feel that way yet.  And the $75 co-pay just made it worse.

I should have trusted my instinct to stay home and be comfortable.  I mean, I know I would have had to see the GYN eventually, just to make sure everything was okay…

I’m still processing everything.  And probably focusing on the wrong thing.  But there’s not really a wrong thing or feeling now, right?  I just want to be present and experience whatever I need to feel to get through it.

The thing that makes me the saddest is thinking about what could have been… What would the baby have looked like?  Boy or girl?  And just thinking that the baby was a mixture of Zubair and me, makes my heart hurt the most.

I share this personal experience because I know the support and stories from those that have gone through it will help.  Just writing it already helped.  So thank you in advance.

 

18 Comments

  1. Hugs girl! It was nothing you did. The chromosones were probably a little off. And you were “just” pregnant so don’t worry that you didn’t know. You’re a wonderful mom!! And about not liking to be pregnant … your second pregnancy will probably be totally different from the first. The differences in my two: gained 33 for the first one, 9 for the second. Went through every stage of labor with the first; water broke with the second. Just no similarities at all. Had great nurses with the first; had Godzilla with red hair with the second. LOL Love your blog!!!

  2. Jen, I’m so sorry to hear this news. I hope you and Zubair are both doing well and this blog post is able to help you get through the pain. I’ve learned that talking with others, no matter how emotional the topic, is always a good form of therapy. When Steve and I were trying to get pregnant, there was one month where I had all the signs and symptoms, even a faint positive test. But alas, it wasn’t meant to be. After we finally got pregnant, I took it as a sign that we just were not supposed to be pregnant until we were because we wouldn’t have had Lucas. And I can’t imagine having any other baby than him. Just know that you aren’t alone! Hugs!

    • Thanks, Bambi. Zubair has been awesome in all of this – he’s so supportive. I knew it would help me to put it out there; and I’ve never really been that private of a person anyway. Plus my support system really is virtual now since I haven’t met that many people out here yet.

  3. My heart hurts for you! I have had two miscarriages over the past couple of years and no matter how early on it happens, it still hurts because you are grieving the loss of life and the loss of what could have been. The doctors always say that it was nothing you did, and they are right, but it still doesn’t seem to ease that guilt and sadness. People are going to say some stupid things to you, but try not to let is get to you as best you can. By openly talking about it you will find how many other women have experienced this loss. My heart and prayers are with you!

    • Hi Sara, Thank you so much. I am surprised by the number of women who have gone through it. Such a sad thing… it does feel good to talk about it.

  4. Hey Jen – as you wrote When I plan, God laughs – so be it. It was His decision and you must embrace it. And your cute lil avacado eating angel does not need to share her portion of love as of now. She needs you and God knows that. Smile and relax.
    Hugs
    Khalid

  5. Hi! I’m new to your blog and I’m very sorry that you had to find out about being pregnant and miscarry on the same day. *hugs* It has to be tough to go through and please allow yourself the time to grieve if you need it. Don’t feel guilty.

  6. so sorry to hear! def sounds liek a rollercoaster of emotions and whew what a day! i have read that before, that a lot of miscarriages are “late periods” and every time i am a day or so late, i start pondering. ugh. but hoping God comforts you and you feel better soon!

    • Thanks, Krysten. I think I was in denial for a little while. I didn’t even have a chance to be happy about the baby. I’m doing okay – still a little sad. It comes and goes…

  7. Oh Jen, My heart aches for you! The same thing happened to me between my 3rd and 4th children. I knew I was pregnant for 24 hours, but I also knew from the moment I peed on that test that something was wrong – not positive enough for how late I was, etc. We weren’t planning a baby and I was relieved and devastated at the same time. It was surprising, but I was completely in love for 24 hours when I miscarried.

    Needless to say, I got pregnant for Anna very shortly after – our only planned baby. We were thrilled (though I hate pregnancy) and we love our completed family. Thank you for writing this down. I rarely talk about my experience, and knowing our feelings were so close makes me feel a bit better! I will always wonder what that little person would have been like. Even though that baby existed for such a short time, I loved her/him and always will miss what they could’ve been.

    • Jocelyn – thank you so much for your comment. It makes me feel better too – that you “get” it. It’s hurts thinking about the child I won’t know on this earth. And it’s definitely making me think about having another one sooner… I want the baby, just not the pregnancy!

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  10. I have been debating with myself if I should post this or not. I tried for years with my first husband to get pregnant, and after many painful tests we found out it was a problem of his. What followed was a couple of years of temperature taking and artificial insemination. The Dr. explained to me that since the onset of AIDS in this country, they could no longer use fresh donations, but had to wait 6 months, to retest donors after freezing. What do you know – finally a pregnancy. I waited weeks after positive tests, confirmed by blood test, to tell my family. The very day after it ended – I will never forget riding home on the subway from work and the feeling I had. I knew before I got home, it was over. ….

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