Yesterday evening was spent at the ER.
For those that have experienced a miscarriage, you will know that the emotions involved are like a roller-coaster ride.
I didn’t even know I was pregnant, so I think that helped a little. I was a couple days late for my period; but didn’t think anything of it because my cycle has been irregular due to breastfeeding. Then I started bleeding and just thought it was menstruation. No big deal. Then the bleeding got heavier and lasted more days than normal.
I just knew something was up. I was also feeling a little nauseous so I called the nurse’s line through my insurance. I didn’t want to go to the doctor if I didn’t have to.
The nurse asked me a bunch of questions and, of course, if there was any chance I was pregnant. We were using protection; however, there’s always a chance when you are married and sexually active. The nurse directed me to see someone that day.
I was still a little skeptical – I didn’t want to go anywhere if I didn’t have to. My husband was home at this point; so he went to get a pregnancy test. I was scared to take it because I had a gut feeling that I was pregnant, but having a miscarriage. The “+” sign was faint, but appeared right away. I burst into tears.
How could I be pregnant and not know? How could I be having a miscarriage? Did I do something to make this happen? Tons of questions and feelings.
I was sad and relieved. Relieved that I figured out what was wrong with me, and relieved to not be pregnant. Then I felt guilty about feeling that way. We have been talking about having another baby, but planned on waiting a little longer. But obviously we weren’t being careful and would love to have another baby whenever. I don’t like being pregnant and thought I would have more time to prepare. That’s how life works though – like the saying – When I plan, God laughs.
My husband strongly encouraged me to go to urgent care like the expert recommended on the phone. Urgent care sent us to the ER. Long story short – we were there about 4 hours; they ran some tests; checked me out; but there was nothing they could do.
The doctor said I probably already had the miscarriage and my hcg hormone levels are very low. She said miscarriages in early pregnancy (less than 6-8 weeks) are very common and act just like a regular period. Most people don’t know. And that it was nothing I did. I felt better. But still annoyed that I went to the ER.
I wish I hadn’t gone. It made the experience worse. They didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. My husband is a very positive person and always looks on the bright side – so he was like – better safe than sorry. It’s hard for me to feel that way yet. And the $75 co-pay just made it worse.
I should have trusted my instinct to stay home and be comfortable. I mean, I know I would have had to see the GYN eventually, just to make sure everything was okay…
I’m still processing everything. And probably focusing on the wrong thing. But there’s not really a wrong thing or feeling now, right? I just want to be present and experience whatever I need to feel to get through it.
The thing that makes me the saddest is thinking about what could have been… What would the baby have looked like? Boy or girl? And just thinking that the baby was a mixture of Zubair and me, makes my heart hurt the most.
I share this personal experience because I know the support and stories from those that have gone through it will help. Just writing it already helped. So thank you in advance.