One of the perks of being a social worker is that I have the stages of grief memorized. I pull them out whenever I’m talking to someone and it seems appropriate. Lately, they have been helpful for me. There is no path of certainty here from one stage to another. Sometimes you are at two stages at once or completely skip a stage and go back to another. In other words, there is no one way to grieve. It’s an individual experience.
Stage 1 – Denial: It seems surreal. I didn’t get to enjoy the thought of having another baby. To relish in the delight of life inside of me. Part of me thinks this is a good thing. If I didn’t have time to fall in love, maybe it hurt less? I’m not really sure because I don’t have anything to compare it to. And it still hurts pretty badly.
Stage 2 – Anger: I was angry with the doctor, and then having to shell out the co-pay for the ER. I was angry at myself for getting dental x-rays. I saw the signs on the wall, Tell us if you’re pregnant. I mentioned I was “late”. The dentist reassured me that it was safe. And the doc said the loss had nothing to do with the x-rays. But my mind plays evil tricks. I can’t say that I have been angry at God. I don’t blame God for this. However, I am a bit indifferent right now.
Stage 3 – Bargaining: I haven’t really done any bargaining. I felt pretty hopeless and sure that the pregnancy couldn’t be saved. So it wasn’t like I prayed to God for a miracle. Or asked God for much of anything for that matter… But when I do, I will ask for strength and peace.
Stage 4 – Depression: I am sad. It comes and goes. The littlest things make me burst out crying. I was reading another blog about miscarriages and cried uncontrollably. My friend and I were texting; and I told her what I named of the baby – I couldn’t help but tear up. I sobbed while watching a movie on Saturday when a baby was being born. Granted the main character of the movie was also dying at the same time. But my husband noticed my sobbing was a little stronger and louder than normal.
Stage 5 – Acceptance: Not sure I’m there yet. I still think about it. A lot. I am okay though. As good as someone could be in this situation. Talking and writing about it has helped. Many of the comments have helped as well. I can’t believe how something so heartbreaking is so common. I knew about my mom and several of my friends…but unfortunately, it seems like too many women have a story of their own. The outpouring and understanding is comforting. Thank you.